Silence the Hater in You- Before She Wins.

Life is shaped by what you say yes to.

But let's be real:

You are your biggest hater.
Yes—you.

You've been given a vision.
You know your natural gifts.
You've even invested in building skills to support them.

And yet...

You delay.
You deny.
You deflect.
You play small.

It’s the end of June.
We’re halfway through 2025.

That idea—you know, the one that could’ve transformed your life by now?
You’ve sat on it for 178 days.

Why?

Because you self-sabotage.
You say no to everything that could stretch you.

That’s not humility.
It’s not timing.
It’s not wisdom.

It’s self-hate in disguise.

Let’s call it what it is:

A hater’s job is to make you feel small—
to shrink your belief with words, doubt, and attitude.
A hater feeds off your stagnation.

Their oxygen is your “no.”
Their favorite song is your delay.

And when you become the one holding yourself back?

Guess what:
You are actively breathing life into your own downfall.

You’re nourishing the hater in you with every excuse, every second-guess, every time you whisper, “Now’s not the time.”

Before I show you how to starve your inner hater and reveal your star player, let’s talk about how she got so loud in the first place.

You weren’t born with doubt.

You were conditioned into it—by society, by trauma, by repetition.

But here’s your light:
Conditioning isn’t permanent.

It’s just programming.
And programming can be rewritten.

So before we flip the switch and activate your next yes, let’s break down what’s really happening—in your brain, your body, and your beliefs.

Because the next time that hating-a** version of you even tries to inhale to set you back, you’ll catch it mid-breath and sever the lungs immediately.

Now… why do you, a gifted, prepared, and resourced person, say no to the very thing that could change your life?

To answer that, we need to pull from philosophy, neuroscience, psychology, and real-world patterns.

Quick Note:
I’m trying something new with this newsletter as I continue to develop my writing style. I love speaking life into others, and I’ve been studying personal development and human potential—alongside real-world patterns—for over a decade.

I’m a student of these topics and always will be. I remember reading The Alchemist in 2012, and I haven’t looked back since. The way these disciplines interconnect fascinates me, and I’ll continue mastering them while sharing what I learn here.

You’ll see a lot of science and data in my writing because I believe real transformation starts with real understanding.

Let’s start with Philosophy: Why we hesitate
Your hesitation is rooted in fear of becoming. Søren Kierkegaard called it “the dizziness of freedom.” We have infinite potential, but inaction feels safer than transformation.

Why?
Because saying yes often requires the death of the old you.
It’s a baptism of sorts.

You might know what to do…
But if your will is untrained, it’s powerless.

And in 2025?
The will is frazzled—overstimulated, underused, and buried under to-do lists and trending sounds.

Where’s your willpower?
Find it. Use it. Don’t choose basic.

God gave you free will. Don’t waste it being average.

Now let’s talk Neuroscience: Your brain isn’t built for bold yeses

Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, neuroscientist and author of How Emotions Are Made, explains:

“Your brain’s most important job isn’t thinking, feeling, or even creating. Its most important job is to keep you alive by regulating energy—predicting your body’s needs and meeting them before they arise.”

This process is called allostasis (pronounced al-uh-STAY-sis)—
It’s your brain’s budgeting system for survival.

Therefore, while you dream about leveling up, your brain runs a quiet calculation:

- Will this cost too much energy?
- Will I be rejected?
- Will I fail and waste precious resources?

If the answer is “too expensive,” your brain triggers doubt, procrastination, distraction, and fear.

Not because you’re lazy or broken—
Because your brain thinks it’s protecting you.

But here’s the power play:
You can rewire that biological response.

The more your nervous system becomes familiar with challenge, risk, and expansion, the less “expensive” it feels over time.

That’s neuroplasticity in action.

Repeated yeses → rewired safety → increased capacity for success.

So, your no?
It’s not always logical.
It’s biological.

And your inner hater?
Not your final form.

 Enter Psychology: Self-sabotage in 3 sneaky disguises

1. Imposter Syndrome
~70% of people deal with it.
For women, and especially women of color? Even higher.
Your inner story doesn’t match your outer potential—so you say no to protect yourself from shame, exposure, or disappointment.

2. Cognitive Dissonance
It’s hard to believe “I’m capable” and “I’ve never succeeded” at the same time.
So, your brain picks one—and often chooses to not even try to avoid that discomfort.

3. Loss Aversion
We fear success more than failure.
Why? Because success might cost us comfort, schedules, certainty—even relationships. Saying yes risks the known. Saying no protects it.


Real-World Patterns: Why you keep saying no

Perfectionism & Performance Culture
If it’s not perfect, it’s not worth doing.
You’re paralyzed by analysis.
Start messy. Just Start.

Time Poverty & Decision Fatigue
Juggling everything = deciding nothing.
You’re drained. But your words are powerful—make time for what matters. Because you matter.

Fear of Financial Loss
We fear losing $100 more than we desire gaining $200.
It’s not logical—it’s protective.

Burnout & Trauma Response
Long-term stress can cause learned helplessness.
Look up those psychology experiments on YouTube—fascinating and eye-opening.

Past Failures as Identity
Your brain logs each failure as data.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up” is just a no dressed as self-preservation.


I know this is a long newsletter, but this is how my brain works.
Understanding why gives me language for healing.
It helps me explain, change, and go deeper—and I hope it does the same for you.

So how do you stop hating on yourself?
First, interrupt the no.

Step 1: Write your “Yes List”

Ask yourself:
If I weren’t scared, tired, or trying to be perfect, what are 5 small things I’d say yes to this week?

Examples:
Saying yes to journaling for 3 minutes.
Saying yes to sending one message to someone you admire.
Saying yes to wearing the outfit that makes you feel powerful. No more "saving" outfits.
Saying yes to going to bed on time.
Saying yes to forgiving yourself for waiting this long.

Why it works:
It lowers resistance by removing pressure.
When you complete even one, your brain gets a hit of completion = progress = possibility.


Step 2: Name & Check Your Inner Hater
Give that voice a name. Make it silly. Make it petty.

“Who do you think you are?”
“Nice try, Shady Sharon. But we’re doing it anyway.”

My version?
Sometimes I say “STFU” out loud. No acronyms. Real volume. Do what works for you.

Steps:
1. Name your hater (Shady Sharon, Broke Bianca, Doubtful Denise).
2. Pick a phrase (e.g. “Not this time,” “You’re not in charge today,” “We move anyway”).
3. Use it every time resistance shows up.

Why it works:
It creates separation.
That voice? Not you.
Just a loud echo of the past you’re outgrowing.

Final tool: Join a challenge. Seriously.

It’s one of the easiest ways to interrupt overthinking and build new patterns fast.

You don’t have to feel ready. You just have to start.

Why it works:
Limited Time = not forever, just focused.
External Structure = fewer decisions = more momentum.
Tracking Progress = activates dopamine.
Community = even silent lurking tells your brain “We’re not alone.”

If you’re stuck, scared, or secretly convinced you’ll fail again…

Join a challenge.

Let it carry the weight until your belief catches up.
Start publicly. Finish privately.
Even one day in, you’ll be closer than you’ve been in months.

You’ve sat on the sidelines of your own life long enough.
You’ve said no enough times to know it never leads anywhere new.

Now you know why.
You’ve seen the patterns. You’ve felt the truth.

So the next move?

Say yes to one thing.
One version of you.
One decision that interrupts the old story.

And I’ve got the perfect container for it:

100 Days, One You.

I created this digital product for this very reason, to get you in tune with your star player.

One decision.
One focus.
One future you’ll be proud of.

You don’t need to be perfect.
You don’t need to feel ready.
You just need to show up—for you.

This is your invitation to starve your inner hater and feed the version of you who’s been waiting for a chance.

Say yes to your one.
Because in 100 days, you won’t even recognize her.

Click the image below to start your challenge and transform in to the star player you've always been.

Peace out. Peace in.
—Spivey J.